Leave Out All the Rest
by whistlingawaythedark
Summary: Begins post-Butterflied. GSR. Sara confronts Grissom about his conversation with Dr. Lurie. Now rated M.
1. Chapter 1

**Leave Out All the Rest**

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI, any of the characters, etc. **

**A/N: Begins in season 4, post-Butterflied, but there could be spoilers from anywhere lurking throughout the chapters so be warned. Rating is starting out at T, but could change to M later on. Please leave a review and let me know what you think :)**

* * *

It was midmorning when she walked into my office. She paused in the open doorway, and though I sensed her presence immediately, I did not lift my eyes from my desk.

It had been an exhausting shift. I'd pulled a triple and hit a dead end. There just wasn't enough evidence to put Dr. Lurie behind bars. Now I was using paperwork as an excuse to delay my trip home where I would undoubtedly find the haunting face of Debbie Marlin, so alarmingly similar to that of the woman who stood before me, waiting for me as soon as I closed my eyes.

The sound of her throat being cleared finally forced me to shift my focus. I lifted my face wearily and fixed her with a questioning stare. Normally I enjoyed her frequent trips into my office but during the past 24 hours it had felt as if a part of me was dying every time I looked at her.

"I thought you went home..." She muttered softly, her brows knitting together in a slight frown.

I shook my head slowly, trying to discern the purpose of her visit.

"I thought you did too."

She did not respond but instead moved all the way into my office pulling the door shut behind her.

"Sara, listen..." I said quickly, trying to keep my tone from wavering.

"I'm really exhausted, it's been a long shift, can this wait until--?"

"It can't wait!" She interrupted me abruptly, so much that I had no rebuttal.

I nodded slowly, taking note of how heavy her breathing was.

"I..., I uh... heard what you told Dr. Lurie."

"Wh--what?" I choked out. Immediately my own pulse began to speed up while I tried desperately to rearrange the look of complete shock I was sure was evident on my face.

"You can't pretend anymore, Grissom." She replied bitterly.

I opened my mouth abruptly to argue and then closed it when the realization of her words sunk in. She just stared at me, he chocolate brown eyes colder than I had ever seen them.

Finally I sighed heavily. I didn't even know where to begin but I felt that if I didn't say something I would soon crumple beneath her unwavering stare. Even in the fierceness of her pain, she was still beautiful and it made it all the more difficult to form my next words.

"Sara... I can't do this. You know that. I've been trying to tell you this for almost four years. That's what I meant last year when you asked me to dinner. I just didn't mean it to come off so..."

I stopped speaking as I watched her exhale the large breath she had been holding. Her lower lip was trembling and I could see angry tears welling up in her eyes. I couldn't say anymore, I couldn't watch myself hurt her again.

"Oh, Sara, I'm so sorry." I whispered, my voice barely audible as I felt my own eyes begin to tear up. In a flash I had made my way around my desk and wrapped my arms around her. She sobbed hard into my chest but did not return the embrace. I bit my lip in an effort to hold back my own tears as I began to rub soft circles in her back. I was incredibly grateful I'd closed my blinds earlier, I had always been sensitive to my contact with Sara at work because of the rumors that had circled the lab when I first brought her here.

Suddenly, with no warning she began pounding my chest furiously. I tried to hold her steady but soon she was twisting away from me.

I let go in shock and watched her back away quickly. Her soft curls were in slight disarray and her eyes were red and strangely bright.

"If you can't do this then neither can I."

Her words shattered my heart as I watched her turn sadly and leave. I stood paralyzed, staring at the emptiness around me.

**TBC...**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: First off, thanks for all the reviews, I'm so glad everyone liked the first chapter! Second, I plan to switch off between Sara and Grissom's POV's throughout this story, though it may not be a perfect every other chapter thing, I'll just have to see how it plays out. Finally, this chapter is short but probably most of them will be on the short side so that I can update more often. I'm a perfectionist so I agonize over every detail and it often takes forever to post if they're long. Please leave more reviews and I hope you enjoy :)**

* * *

I didn't look back though I half-expected, half-hoped he would follow me. As I trudged out to the parking lot and collapsed into the driver's seat of my car I tried to bite back the bitter disappointment I had been too foolish to avoid.

I felt tears sting my eyes once again, but I held them back.

It really wasn't fair. All these years I'd been hanging around Vegas under the pretense that he had wanted something more from me. Now I knew that even if he did, he would never go through with it.

His words played over and over again in my head.

_I can't do this. _

No, he _wouldn't _do this. If there was one thing I could count on with Grissom, it was that he would never be there for me in the way I needed him. He had tried in the past with minute gestures, active concern, and even a plant, but it was never enough.

Maybe it was my own fault. He would reach out to me, show some small amount of concern for my well-being, and I would wind up asking him to dinner, or worse, if he wanted to sleep with me.

It seemed like his every move around me was perfectly calculated, as if he were walking on eggshells. Every so often he'd slip and step on one, cracking open something he couldn't face.

At this thought I could feel my anger beginning to build again and I pulled out of the parking lot aggressively.

The drive to my apartment seemed longer than usual and I kept sneaking quick glances at my phone, though I knew he wouldn't call.

As soon as I got home I headed for the shower where I allowed the scalding hot water to burn away my remaining anger. It was then that I finally realized how exhausted I was. After my shower I dressed my tired limbs in a comfy pair of sweats and a purple tank top. Then I curled up in my queen-sized bed cradling the remote and a large bottle of smirnoff vodka.

For hours I sat, washing away my grief with great swigs of the foul tasting liquid. It was late afternoon by the time I finally passed out. I didn't bother to set my alarm, my time in Vegas was over.

**TBC...**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! I've been obsessing about this chapter but I finally decided to just post it. Please let me know what you think!**

* * *

I didn't go home that morning, nor that afternoon. Instead I stayed holed up in my office, numbly completing sheet after sheet of tedious paperwork.

I had wanted to run after her, I really had, but I just didn't know what I would have said. I couldn't fathom giving in, not now after I had seen what could happen to me.

She would get over it, I reassured myself. She always had.

I set my pen down and massaged my temples, trying to rid myself of the piercing headache that had been growing steadily worse all day. I glanced at the clock, it was already four. In just a few hours I'd have to face her again.

Perhaps I'd close my eyes for just a moment.

--

_I am standing in Debbie Marlin's bathroom holding a scalpel. The blood dripping from the blade is fresh and my ears are perfectly attuned to the soft pattering of the drops as they hit the slick tile floor. _

_Debbie is posed next to my feet, her entire body crouched over, her lifeless face turned away from me. My eyes fall on the small of her back where her shirt lifts just enough for a small taste of the pearly white flesh there, obscured slightly by a red thong and a butterfly tattoo. _

_It is then that it strikes me. There is no butterfly tattoo. I was sure it was there, just moments before. Panic immediately engulfs me and I am running around the body desperate to get a look at her face._

_It can't be, it just can't be... _

"_Sara..." I gasp, as my blue eyes take in empty, brown ones. _

_I am trembling so badly I feel I might collapse and I allow my legs to give way as I kneel on the floor beside her. It is then that the scalpel, all but forgotten, falls from my hand onto the floor with a loud clink. My attentions refocus and as I stare at the blade that has so quickly and easily taken her from me, I suddenly understand._

_I have killed the only woman I ever loved._

_A great pounding explodes inside my head and I am falling backwards away from her body, every moment we've spent together flashing before my eyes. _

_I hear sirens in the distance and a voice calling my name but I do not run, I cannot run anymore. They will find me here and I will spend the rest of my life locked away in a cell, reliving the agony of what I have done to her. _

_And I should. I tortured her for years, chipping away pieces of her soul, until all that was left was her gangly, useless frame. I deserve to suffer like she did. I deserve to--_

"Gil, wake up!"

My eyes fluttered open and I sat up slowly, adjusting to the light flooding in from the open doorway. My head was still pounding relentlessly and my face was coated with sweat. Catherine was standing above me, a look of apprehension spread across her face.

"Did you ever go home?" She asked, her bright green eyes boring into me.

I shook my head as I watched her eyebrows climb towards her hairline.

"Gil come on, it's been two days. We closed the case, there wasn't enough evidence."

I nodded warily.

"I'm aware of that, Catherine. I was doing paperwork, I must have fallen asleep."

I paused to glance over at the clock.

"Uh... I'll be out in a few minutes to pass out assignments. Please close the door when you leave."

She gave me an incredulous look.

"You're not going home?"

"As soon as shift is over I will."

Her face tightened into an even deeper frown but she did not argue. As soon as she was gone I exhaled the breath I had been holding, I was in for a long night.

**TBC...**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I really appreciate all the positive feedback I've gotten so far on this story. The reviews mean the world to me, so please keep them coming :)**

* * *

I took a deep breath and walked into the break room, keeping my eyes trained on the floor in front of me. Without looking up I cleared my throat and waited as the last of the conversation died out.

"Tonight is slow, luckily..." I mumbled as I shuffled through my papers, still not looking up at my team.

"Let's see... Catherine and Warrick, a B&E at a drugstore... Nick and Sara, a 419 in Hend--"

"Uh, Grissom?" Nick interrupted.

"Yes?" I replied, failing to mask my irritation.

"Sara's not here."

My eyes shot up from their position on my papers and I scanned the room feeling a panic beginning to wash over me.

"Does anyone know where she is?" I asked, making a poor attempt at regaining my composure.

The team shook their heads. Sara had never missed a day of work since she had worked here and I was certain she had clocked in nearly as much overtime as I had. This was incredibly out of character for her. My mind returned to our conversation earlier and suddenly something clicked.

"_If you can't do this then neither can I." _

I shut my eyes as if this would somehow prevent the sickly feeling that was beginning in my stomach.

"Are you alright?" Catherine asked, bringing me back to the present.

I opened my eyes.

"I'm fine, I just have a migraine. Uh... Nick take the B&E and Cath and Warrick, you can take the 419. I'm going to figure out where Sara is and do some paperwork."

With that I turned and left, heading straight for my office. As soon as I was inside I bolted the door and closed the blinds. I waited for my breathing to even out before pulling my cellphone from my pocket. With trembling fingers I pressed her speeddial.

It rang several times before going to voicemail.

"Dammit!" I muttered as I flipped the phone shut.

After several moments I moved over to my desk and proceeded to continue with my paperwork. Though I was resolved to try her again in an hour I couldn't stop the sinking feeling that I had finally chased her away forever.

**TBC...**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: As you'll see in this chapter I'm not following the episodes exactly but I am incorporting certain events. Please continue to leave reviews, they make writing so much more fun!**

I stayed at home for a week, surviving off of vodka and cold cereal. He called me the first few days but I forced myself to watch the phone ring while silently praying he would leave me a message and a reason to call him back. He never did.

Finally I decided I needed to get out of my apartment. It was a thursday night and I was sober for the first time in days. I showered, dressed, and made my way into downtown Vegas. I rarely spent time in bars and casinos but I was starving for some sort of social contact so I pulled into the parking lot at the Rampart.

The casino was packed with tourists. I made my way up to the bar and ordered a martini.

I wasn't planning on staying long and as I finished my second martini it became clear that there wasn't anyone around that I was interested in. I wished I could call Nick or Greg but I knew that they'd have all sorts of questions for me and I wasn't ready to answer them yet. I needed to get far away from Vegas before I could even begin to sort out an excuse for leaving.

I got up slowly and made my way back out to the parking lot. Tomorrow I would have to start looking for a new job and a new life.

I was feeling sluggish as I peeled onto the road and headed home. It was pissing rain and I turned up my radio loud to drown out the sounds of the city.

I was about five minutes from my apartment when I noticed flashing lights behind me. Groaning, I pulled my car over to the side of the road and rolled down my window.

A police officer appeared at my window.

"What's the problem officer?" I asked, trying to keep my agitation from showing.

"You seemed to be swerving a bit there. You feeling okay?" His voice had a slight twang and it reminded me of Nick.

"Yes, sir."

He peered into my car, shining his flashlight on my face and then into the backseat, checking for other passengers.

"Would you mind stepping out of your vehicle and taking a breathalyzer test for me?"

I nodded and began to move, feeling panic begin in my stomach. I'd only had two drinks, surely I was fine.

I pulled my hood up around my face and walked around to the other side of my car.

"Just put your mouth on this tube here and breath into it for me." He instructed, holding the breathalyzer up towards my mouth.

I did as I was told and waited with baited breath.

"Ma'am, I'm sorry but it looks like you're at .09. I'm going to need your license and registration and then you'll have to come downtown with me."

I let go of the breath I was holding and felt my whole body go numb. How could I have been so stupid?

**TBC...**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I apologize for the long delay. My stupid college transfer applications are taking everything out of me. Anyways, thanks so much for all the great reviews and keep them coming, hopefully they will encourage me to update more regularly :D**

A few hours into shift I sat in my office, shuffling through paperwork. It was my night off but I couldn't bare to sit around my empty apartment with no thoughts to occupy me but Sara's continued absence.

I'd called her multiple times the first few days she was gone but she never answered and eventually I gave up. I never bothered to leave a message because when it really came down to it, I had no idea what to say.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do if she didn't come back soon. I'd put in a vacation week for her with the quickly fading hope that she was just taking some time to cool off.

I couldn't deny it much longer, she had really left me this time.

My office phone began to ring and I sighed heavily, picking it up and putting the receiver to my ear.

"Grissom." I muttered gruffly.

"Hello, this is Officer James Kaiser. I'm calling on behalf of your CSI, Sara Sidle."

I sat up straight in my chair, suddenly attentive.

"Y-Yes?"

"I've just picked her up for a DUI."

I felt my mouth go dry and my heart rate speed up.

"Is she alright?" I spluttered out.

"She's fine. Just a little shaken I think. We've decided to cut her a break this time but we still had to call her supervisor."

"I'll be right there." I said quickly and I hung up already standing and reaching for my coat.

I was never more thankful that the police station was so close to crime lab. I was there in roughly five minutes.

As soon as I entered the building and gave them my name the arresting officer came out to escort me to the room she was waiting in. He continued to inform me of the details of the situation but I barely heard him.

When we reached the room I halted in the doorway taking in her slouched, defeated form.

"Thank you, officer. I appreciate the courtesy."

He nodded and left me standing in the doorway. I took a deep breath and made my way into the room, past the rows of empty seats. When i reached her I sat down carefully in the seat beside her.

Her hands were folded stiffly in her lap and her face was pointed downwards, her eyes on the floor. She did not look up at me but I felt her body tense at my presence.

"Come on..." I said softly, reach over and taking her hand.

I was suprised by both the icy coldness of her fingers and the desperation with which she gripped my hand.

"I'll take you home."

She nodded in assent, releasing my hand as we both stood up.

Almost unconsciously I allowed my hand to drift over to rest on her lower back as I led her from the room.

She made no response and the walk to my car was empty of conversation. I tried to use the silence to prepare myself for whatever it was she might say but I felt paralyzed by the predicament before me.

Her continued silence in the car only increased my anxiety.

At long last we pulled into her complex. She did not ask me how I knew where she lived.

"Sara... " I said hesitantly as she began to unbuckle herself.

She turned to make eye contact with me for the first time that evening and the look of suppressed longing in her eyes nearly broke me.

"I, uh... you need to set up sessions with a PEAP counselor."

She gave me an incredulous look.

"Grissom I told you I can't be here anymore, I haven't been to work in a week. They haven't fired me?"

I looked down at the steering wheel.

"I put in some vacation time for you." I admitted quietly, bracing myself for her reaction.

"Of course you did." She snapped and their was an angry flare in her eyes that I'd only ever seen before when a case bothered her.

"Such a typical thing for you to do. Grissom, I told you I'm done and I meant it. Thanks for driving me home."

She wrenched the passenger door open, climbed out of my SUV, and slammed it behind her.

The shock seemed to kick much quicker than the day she had left me in my office. Before I even quite knew when I was doing I found myself pulling my keys from the ignition and getting out of my car to follow her.

Though I had no idea what I was planning to do I knew for certain I couldn't loose her.

**TBC...**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thank you all SO much for the amazing reviews on the last chapter. They definitely encouraged me to write faster this time. I'm sorry I can't reward you with any smut yet but as we all know things move slowly when it comes to Grissom. I hope you all enjoy and keep the reviews coming, they make me so happy :)**

"Sara!" I yelled as I sprinted around my car, using the clicker to lock it.

She was practically at her door but she turned in surprise at the sound of my voice. I caught up to her, panting and feeling much older than usual.

Her eyes were surveying me with expectant anger and I knew if I didn't place my words right this could go very badly for me.

"I, uh..." Again I was speechless but my hesitation gave way to a strange look in her eyes.

"Do you want to come in?"

I looked at her in surprise but nodded quickly. Slowly she turned back around and opened the door.

I had never been inside her apartment before and I took a quick moment to register it's obsessive neatness, from her shiny black marble counters to the alphabetical organization of her large book collection. I was already tempted to take a closer look at them but instead I slipped off my shoes and followed her into the kitchen area.

She gestured to a seat at her breakfast bar and then busied herself making coffee. When she opened her cupboard under the sink to throw away the old filter I glimpsed several empty beer bottles obviously waiting to be carted outside.

"Uh Sara..." I said, clearing my throat nervously.

She turned to face me, her soft brown eyes questioning.

"How much have you been drinking lately?"

Clearly this had been the wrong question to ask. Her nostrils flared angrily.

"I didn't invite you in to discuss my drinking habits." She replied as she turned to pull two clean mugs from her cupboard. She poured us both coffee and brought mine over to me.

"We can sit on the couch if you want, it's more comfortable." Her voice was still a bit tense but her expression had softened.

We moved to the couch and sat sipping our coffee for a few moments of awkward silence before I decided I was brave enough to try a different approach.

"Sara... I'm worried about you."

"You shouldn't be." She replied, putting down her coffee.

Then she sighed heavily.

"I think I'm going to move back to San Francisco."

I choked on my coffee.

"Sara, I know you keep saying you're leaving but I just can't quite believe it. Vegas has one of the best labs in the country and we need you."

She raised her eyebrows.

"Do you need me?

I set my own mug on the coffee table next to hers and took a deep breath. Somehow I knew that I wasn't going to get away with avoiding this question again.

"Yes, Sara. I need you."

She exhaled loudly and I could see she was clearly shocked at my admission.

"Last week you told Dr. Lurie you couldn't risk everything you've worked for... is that really what's holding you back?"

I nodded slowly, not missing the obvious hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I felt exhausted.

"I better get going." I muttered as I stood up.

I expected her to argue but instead she just stood as well.

"I hope I see you tomorrow evening." I said, forcing myself to look at her. I tried not to show how vulnerable I felt but failed in the defeated tone of my voice.

I reached for my coffee cup but her arm came up to stop me.

"Just go." She whispered, tears on the edge of her voice.

Then before I could process it, she had taken a step towards me and was suddenly so close that I could feel the softness of her breath hitting my cheek and smell the mixture of coffee and alcohol that lingered there.

She reached out and placed a hand on my cheek and I closed my eyes reveling in the feel of her fingers running over my stubble. Then she dropped her hand and my eyes fluttered open.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

I nodded, both surprised and greatly relieved. Then I turned, slipped my shoes on, and left, closing the door quietly behind me.

**TBC...**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/C: Just thought I'd let everyone know I'm making a jump from Bloodlines (the last episode of Season 4) to Nesting Dolls (mid-season 5). As I said before I'm only following the episodes loosely so some things I'm changing and eliminating. I'm trying to stay true where I can though. Anyways, I hope everyone enjoys this chapter... thanks for the great reviews, and as always leave some more and let me know what you think :)**

The next night I got to the lab early, well I was always early, but earlier than normal. I knew I shouldn't push anything but I wanted to talk to him. After all these years of chasing him down and fighting for his attention I finally had some of the power in our relationship. He had finally admitted that he needed me and though he still hadn't acted on it I had to believe that we had taken a step forward.

Perhaps it truly was that he feared loosing me. After all he had gone as far as putting in false vacation time for me in order to save my job.

I wondered if I was just being stupid. Should I really trust that things were going to change? After all he had not promised me anything.

I sighed and walked down the hall towards his office hoping that I wouldn't run into anyone I knew. Luckily no one else from grave was in yet and the technicians were all busy running evidence.

When I reached his door I hesitated and suddenly realized how nervous I was. I reached up and knocked lightly. There was no answer so after a moment I knocked again. Still nothing.

Confused, I was about to try the handle when a voice startled me.

"He's down in the morgue with Catherine." Brass said from behind me.

"Grissom told me you took a vacation. How was it?"

I turned around trying to gather my wits.

"Oh, uh... I... it was nice, thanks... do you know why he's down there?" I asked trying to sound as though I wasn't too concerned.

Brass smiled.

"Swing shift dug up two bodies covered in tar. I believe he came in early to help Catherine separate them."

I rolled my eyes despite the fact that I would have done the same.

"Thanks Brass." I said quickly and I turned and headed for the break room. I would have to find time to talk to him later.

--

I waited in the break room for shift to start and when it was finally time I wandered back out to the hallway, hoping to catch him just before he gave out assignments.

Unfortunately just as I saw him unlocking his office a voice called my name. His head snapped up and our eyes met just before I turned.

"Hey Catherine." I said, trying to refocus my attention. I was almost certain his eyes were still on me but I resisted the temptation to glance behind me.

"You're mine tonight."

"Huh?" For some reason her words didn't make sense.

"I'm shorthanded and Grissom said you just got back from vacation. He said you could help me out."

I felt a wave of anger and disappointment flood through me but I pushed it away.

"Alright, I'm all yours." I answered and I followed her down the hall while she filled me in with the case details.

When we reached the corner I couldn't help but sneak a glance behind me and it only made my heart sink lower. He was no longer in the hallway and his office door was closed, the blinds drawn.

It was so typical Grissom to avoid any interaction that made him uncomfortable. I still wasn't about to give up though, at the end of shift I'd be right back at his door.

**TBC...**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I'm so sorry for the very long delay. I was having such a difficult time with this chapter that I just gave up on it for the longest time. I've realized it is really hard to write chapters that follow the episodes so closely. Anyways, please please leave reviews if you are still reading. I'm planning on trying to update again on a regular basis and the more reviews I get the more likely it is that I will. Plus some smut should be coming up soon so you may want to hang around for that :D Thanks again for your patience and I hope you enjoy!**

I spent the first part of shift making a plaster mold of one of the victim's faces. I tried my best to keep my thoughts on the case but they kept drifting back to Grissom and what I was going to say once I finally had the chance to speak with him.

When I was finished I met Catherine, Nick, and Warrick in the conference room to discuss our findings thus far. The Jane Doe on top, the one whom I had made the plaster mold of, had had some sort of wiring in her jaw. With the realization that we were probably dealing with domestic abuse, any thoughts of Grissom were driven far from my mind.

I took it upon myself to track down hospital records of jaw fractures from around the time our victim had died. I found myself sweating and shaking as I forced my eyes to take in the photos of the battered women and compare them to my mold. I had gone through almost the whole box before I found her. Svetlana Melton.

Relieved, I stuffed the stack of files back in the box and called Catherine. She told me she would have Brass visit the address listed on the file and that I was welcome to go home as shift was almost over.

Of course I didn't. I met her back at the lab and waited anxiously in the break room to hear from Brass. I sat with my head in my hands, staring down at my coffee.

"Sara? Why are you still here?"

I jumped in my seat. I had completely forgotten about Grissom.

"I'm... uh... still helping Catherine." I muttered and I could tell from the look in his eyes that he was concerned.

I knew this was a great chance to talk to him but I just couldn't bring myself to say anything, I was too upset by the case.

He opened his mouth to speak again but then Catherine walked in behind him.

"Brass found Svetlana's husband, he's agreed to come in to answer questions." She said in answer to my expectant look.

I jumped up immediately and followed Catherine from the room, leaving a bewildered Grissom staring after me.

* * *

Andrew Melton had a thin-face and an ill-looking smile. As he took a seat across from us with a suspiciously pleasant look on his face I felt my whole body tense uncomfortably.

"When was the last time you saw Svetlana?" Catherine began.

"It was about two years ago. She didn't come home one night. Next thing I know, the cops are knocking down my door. I thought something happened to her, but they were there to arrest me. For hitting her."

"Are you saying that you didn't?" I interjected before Catherine could respond.

He narrowed his eyes but did not comment on the force with which I had asked the question.

"We were married for three years. I never hit her."

"Why would she lie?" I demanded, allowing my eyes to bore into him.

"I don't know." He shrugged, shifting a bit in his seat and glancing at Catherine.

I opened my mouth with another retort but Catherine spoke first, clearly trying to steer the interview back to more friendly territory.

"And then what happened?"

He sighed.

"After that, I ... I was done. I went looking for her to sign the divorce papers, but ... it was like she fell off the face of the earth."

"Or got buried a few feet under it." I countered before Catherine could stop me.

Catherine gave me an incredulous look and then turned back to Mr. Melton.

"You didn't file a missing person's report?"

"I'd been accused of abuse. How would that have looked?"

"You seem to care a lot about how things look, Mr. Melton." I said, glaring at him. This guy was definitely an abuser and I wasn't about to back down.

"We're going to need a list of Svetlana's family and friends." Catherine said quickly, clearly ready to end the interview.

"She didn't have any."

"She spawned from nothingness?" I could feel the heat rising in my face as my temper began to rise.

"Her parents died in some kind of industrial accident in Odessa, Russia." He answered, giving me a sideways glance.

"How did the two of you meet?" Catherine asked before I could respond.

"Through an agency."

My eyes widened.

"Svetlana was a mail order bride?"

"We were introduced through an agency."

I let out a snort of laughter.

"So what happened? The Russian agency denied your application for another wife, or, uh, you lost your taste for white meat? Too tough?"

I turned to Catherine, expecting an approving nod and instead was met with a look of complete shock. Mr. Melton began to speak again but as I was now practically fuming I barely heard him.

He stood to leave then and had it not been for Catherine's warning glare I probably would have yelled after him.

The minute he was gone I jumped on Catherine.

"He is clearly an abuser!"

She gave me a look, standing up and making her way towards the hallway.

"If the guy's an abuser, if he killed his first wife, we will build a case and we will nail him."

I followed her, shaking my head in frustration.

"And in the mean time he can just keep using her as a punching bag?"

"Sara, there wasn't a mark on her." She reasoned as we rounded the corner.

"Not that we could see!"

She stopped in front of her office and turned to face me before opening it.

"You know ... every time we get a case with a hint of domestic violence or abuse, you go off the deep end. What is your problem?"

I huffed even though I knew it was true.

"Yeah, I probably do, and you let your sexuality cloud your judgment about men, and I'm gonna go over your head!"

Catherine opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by Ecklie, who had appeared out of nowhere.

"Sidle. My office. Now."

I glared at her as I turned to follow him. I knew I was in trouble but at this point I didn't really care if I got fired. If I had to find a new job I would be forced to do the one thing I seemed unable to do myself, leave Grissom.

**TBC...**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews, they definitely motivated me to write this chapter faster, please keep them coming :)**

I was suspended. One week. No pay.

I was actually rather surprised it hadn't been worse, so much that I wasn't even sure it was over. I didn't care though. Ecklie could fire me if he wanted.

I hadn't bothered to talk to Grissom about it. After the yelling match with Ecklie that had resulted in my suspension I left the lab immediately.

When I was finally home I collapsed on my couch with a cold beer and began flipping through channels. There was nothing on though so I gave up and made my way over to my desk, opening my computer.

I had just finished checking my email and was about to start looking up information on the San Francisco crime lab when I heard a knock on the door.

I sighed and stood up, beer still in hand. I made my way over to the door and peered through the peep hole to see who it was. I nearly dropped my beer in surprise. Whatever I had expected, it wasn't Grissom.

I took a deep breath to gather my senses and opened the door.

* * *

I yawned and shifted in my chair. I had told myself I was staying after shift to get work done but really I was hoping to see Sara. I knew she was still here because I'd seen her in the break room earlier. Though I wasn't sure I was ready to face our conversation from the night before, the possibility of what might be happening excited me. Her threat to leave had finally made me realize how important she was to me. Even if I wasn't making any decisions right away I knew our relationship was going to change. I could no longer hold back the way I had been in the past.

A knock on my door drew me away from my thoughts. I felt a sudden mix of excitement and anxiety.

"Come in." I called, looking down at my paperwork as the door opened in an attempt to appear unconcerned. My head snapped up at the voice which answered. It wasn't Sara. It was Ecklie.

"What can I do for you Conrad?" I said, trying to disguise the disappointment in my voice.

"I need to talk to you about Sara."

My brow furrowed in confusion. He couldn't possibly know about what was going on between us. Besides, it wasn't like anything had happened.

"She went off on both Catherine and I today. She was incredibly inappropriate and disrespectful. I've given her a week's suspension without pay. However, her behavior is serious. I want you to fire her."

My mouth fell open. I had not been expecting this and it was almost worse.

"She's a good criminalist, she just looses it sometimes. We all do." I said, immediately rising to her defense.

"I don't care how good she is. Her temper is causing her to compromise interviews and it could end up costing the lab much more. And don't forget her recent DUI."

"Her almost DUI. They didn't charge her." I reminded him and he scoffed.

I sighed.

"I'll... talk to her. Then I'll let you know."

"Thank you." He answered curtly. Then he turned and left.

I didn't waste any time dwelling on the situation. I gathered my things and left, heading for her apartment.

* * *

I opened the door and there he was, a look of concern apparent on his face.

I sighed.

"Well, if you're here it can't be good."

His eyes drifted down to the beer in my hand but he didn't comment.

"Can I come in?" He asked and I nodded.

He stepped inside and I closed the door behind him.

"I spoke to Ecklie." He said quietly.

"He wants me to fire you."

"I figured." I said as I made my way over to the kitchen.

He slipped his shoes off and followed me.

"Can I get you anything?" I asked.

"Sure. An explanation."

I sighed and bit my lip. I knew I couldn't tell him the truth, at least not completely.

"I... lost my temper."

"That seems to be happening quite a bit." He commented.

"Do you know why?"

"What difference does it make? I'm still fired." I replied, trying to draw him away from the dangerous place I felt the conversation was going.

"It makes a difference to me."

His soft blue eyes bore into me and I knew I wasn't going to get away without giving him some explanation.

I took a deep breath.

"I have a problem with authority. I choose men who are emotionally unavailable. I'm self-destructive. All of the above."

He stepped forward.

"Have you ever gone a day without a rationalization?"

"What?" I said, confused as to what this had to do with what I had just said.

"It's from the "Big Chill". One of the characters explaining a basic fact of life...that rationalizations are more important to us than sex even."

I shook my head.

"I'm not rationalizing anything. I crossed the line with Catherine, and I was insubordinate to Ecklie."

Though I wasn't sure if I believed I'd been wrong in what I'd said or done, I figured taking responsibility might make him leave me alone.

It didn't.

"Why?"

I backed away from him.

"Leave it alone."

He shook his head.

"No, Sara."

I felt my temper beginning to rise again. He'd strung me along, giving me small moments of hope and then taking them away before I even had a chance to enjoy them, and now he wanted me to explain to him things that I had never really told anyone. Things I tried not to even think about myself because they were just too painful.

"What do you want from me?" I demanded, my lips quavering.

"I want to know why you are so angry."

**TBC...**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I know you guys are going to hate me for where I ended this chapter but I promise you I've already began the next chapter so I won't make you wait too long. Thanks for the reviews and please keep them coming, even if they have to be angry :D**

"I want to know why you're so angry."

I just stared at him for a moment, trying to comprehend the situation that was unraveling before me. There was no getting around this, I would have to tell him everything. I sighed and took a deep breath, moving over to the couch and sitting down slowly.

He followed suit, sitting on the other end and gazing at me intently.

After a moment's pause I took another deep breath and began. Before I knew it everything was spilling out; how I grew up in an abusive household, the countless trips to the hospital, hiding in the closet while my parents fought, and finally the terrible day in which my mother ended it all by stabbing my father to death.

He simply listened, his eyes narrowing deeper into a frown the more I told him. And when I couldn't hold back my tears any longer, when my lips gave way to sobs, he reached out and grasped my hand trying to comfort me.

His hand was warm and I gripped it tightly, never wanting to let it go.

I didn't want to look at him so I bowed my head and continued to let the sobs escape my lips. And suddenly, before I realized what was happening he was right beside me, pulling me close to his chest and rubbing soft circles in my back.

I reveled in the feel of his hands and I buried my face deep into his chest, breathing in the scent of him like it was oxygen. Slowly but surely my cries subsided and I felt a sense of peace begin to wash over me.

I popped my head up and saw that he was looking down at me, concern still evident on his face.

He took his hands from my back then and put his thumbs on my cheeks right below my lower lashes, wiping away the remaining tears. I felt myself shiver at the contact.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through all that honey." He said softly as he returned his hands to my back.

I gave him a small smile and feeling content, I laid my head back on his chest, again just enjoying the feel of having him so close. Before I knew it my eyes were drooping and though I had no intention of falling asleep, reliving my past had been exhausting, and soon my eyes had closed, and I was drifting away.

* * *

I woke up several hours later to the delicious scent of veggie burgers frying. I sat up sleepily and rubbed my eyes, slowly beginning to recall what had happened.

"Good evening." Grissom said, causing me to jump even though I'd been aware of his presence.

I turned and smiled, trying to flatten my hair out because I was sure it was messy from sleep.

He just gave me an odd little grin, which for some reason made me blush.

"I figured I would make us some dinner before I head to shift."

I glanced at the clock, it was 5:30.

"Thanks. It smells delicious." I stood up then, smoothing out my t-shirt and adjusting my jeans.

"I've got to go to the bathroom but then I'll help you finish up." I assured him quickly.

He nodded and I made my way into the bathroom. Once inside I closed the door and took a quick look in the mirror. I looked a little disheveled but for the most part I was okay. I ran a brush through my hair and then went into my room to change into a fresh shirt.

For some reason I didn't think to close the door and I was just snapping a new bra in place when I heard Grissom's voice near the doorway.

"What do you want to dri-?" He stopped mid-sentence as he made it around the corner clearly having not realized I was changing.

His eyes grazed my chest for a quick moment before he turned away and I felt heat rising in my cheeks and a tingling sensation down below.

"I'm really sorry Sara, I didn't realize..."

"It's fine." I assured him, pulling a black v-necked t-shirt over my head. Though a little embarrassed I certainly didn't regret that it had happened.

I followed him into the kitchen and opened the fridge, planning to get a beer but at the last moment I changed my mind and settled on water. Then I joined him at the table which was already set for two, with the plate of veggie burgers in the center.

"Thanks again." I said smiling as I picked up a burger.

He nodded and gave me a funny look.

We ate mostly in silence and he continued to give me weird looks from behind his burger. It felt strange to have him in the my apartment like this but I wasn't going to question it. I didn't want to push anything just now. I was terrified that if I made any moves he would go running.

When we were finally done, I stood up and reached over to collect his plate, but he put his hand out to stop me.

"Oh come on Grissom. You did the cooking, I can do the di-"

I didn't finish what I was saying because in one swift movement he had stood up and pressed me against the wall, his lips inches from mine, and his breathing coming fast. I felt my whole body start tingling and an insatiable ache begin in my lower region.

"Grissom... what?" I said gasping in surprise as he moved his face even closer and our noses brushed against each other.

"I can't live without you anymore." He said and the sincerity in his voice was all I needed.

I leaned in the rest of the way and our lips met for the first time.

**TBC...**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: So I know its short but I didn't want to keep everyone waiting so I figured you'd rather have a short chapter than nothing at all. I've been so busy with packing and preparing for finals that I haven't had as much time to write but I wanted to get this chapter up because the reviews on the last chapter were amazing. Clearly you all weren't angry, just excited :) So yeah I hope the events of this chapter make up for it being on the short side and I'll try to post again as soon as possible! Please leave more reviews, they make me very happy!**

**One final note: This story is now rated M and I'm sure after you read this chapter you'll know why ;)**

I leaned in the rest of the way and our lips met for the first time.

It was everything I had dreamed of and more. He was soft and gentle at first but as our lips had time to adjust the kiss deepened and his tongue slipped inside my mouth.

I let out a moan and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him to me. I felt like I'd waited for this moment forever and I wanted to feel every part of him against me, because the closer he was to me the more I could believe it wasn't just another dream.

A moment later any doubts I had about the reality of the situation vanished when I felt his erection pressing against my leg. I arched my body up against him and he groaned longingly in response.

His hands, which had been pressed against the wall, began to slide up my torso, underneath my t-shirt and over my breasts. I moaned as he massaged them gently and moments later he was sliding off my shirt and unlatching my bra. As it fell to the floor he brought his lips to my neck, kissing his way slowly downwards, sending pleasant shivers down my back.

When he reached my breasts he kissed around them first and then took one in his mouth, sucking hard and causing me to throw my head back and moan.

"Oh Griss..." I panted, as I reached for his belt.

He brought his hands down to still my movements.

For a moment I thought he was going to change his mind and I felt my stomach clench at the thought but instead he simply placed his arms under my legs and carried me into the bedroom. He set me carefully on my bed but I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was as aroused as I was. He pulled his shirt off and unbuckled his belt and pants, dropping them to the floor while I slid my own pants off as well.

Now both clad only in underwear he lowered himself on top of me and brought his lips back to mine. I felt his erection pressing against me through the fabric of our underwear and I groaned digging my nails into his back and wrapping my legs around him.

He slipped his hand in between us in response and I felt it slide underneath my panties. I gasped as he inserted first one finger and then a second inside me, bringing them in and out in a painstakingly slow rhythmn.

"Oh Griss... I'm so wet... please..." I begged as I felt myself go dizzy. He nodded and removed both our underwear.

Then he adjusted himself on top of me and slid inside me for the first time. We both gasped at the feeling of our union and I knew by the look in his eyes that he had been dreaming about this moment for as long as I had.

He began his thrusts slow at first, kissing me passionately on my lips and then sliding his tongue down my jaw. Then he began to speed up, allowing the intensity to build and bringing me closer and closer to my peak.

I twisted my fingers in his hair as I felt myself tighten around him, my release sending me into bliss. He came soon afterwards, grunting and panting in my ear as he allowed himself to relax on top of me.

For several moments we just laid there, feeling each others closeness in the afterglow. FInally he rolled over onto his side and slid out of me.

He let out a sudden groan causing me to feel slightly panicky.

"What's wrong?" I asked quickly as he sat up.

"I've got to be at the lab in twenty minutes." He said, standing up and moving to the edge of the bed to collect his clothing.

"Oh shit." I muttered, glancing over at the clock.

He picked up his boxers and was about to put them when he stopped, looking up at me.

"Do you mind if I use your shower real quick?" I shook my head and stood up too, walking out into the hallway still completely naked and grabbing him a fresh towel from the closet.

"Thanks." He said, giving me a quick kiss before taking the towel into the bathroom. I was sorely tempted to follow him but I knew he needed to get ready quickly.

I went back to my room and gathered my own clothes, tossing them into the laundry basket. Then I went and got fresh underwear, sweats, and a tank top from my dresser. After I put them on I grabbed the latest issue of my favorite forensic magazine and curled up in my bed, smiling as I heard the sound of the shower turn off. I knew things were going to be different now and I felt happier than I'd felt in a long time.

**TBC...**


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